Five Trains, Three Cigarettes and One Howie Mandel Look-Alike

On most nice Saturdays, families spend the day mowing the lawn, playing in the backyard or shopping. I spent mine in line for four hours to audition for Deal or No Deal.

Armed with my screenplay to work, my show application, some gummy bears and bottle of water I headed out for fame and fortune. Along with 4,023 other people.

The line was breathtakingly long. Especially if you’re out of shape.  

The NBC people decided to stage the event at John Ascuaga’s Nugget in Sparks. A casino representative said they expected about 1,000 people.

I think they were all line when I arrived at 11:30am – or I should say started at the end of the line.

Walking by I noticed many looked back at me. Were they bored? Did I look cool in my black outfit and sunglasses? Did I have spinach in my teeth?

I started the line near the I-80 bridge across from the Silver Club and parking garage. We wrapped around the outside of valet to the inside, then around the stop sign and finally around the west tower to a door with a sign that read, “Deal or No Deal Casting Call. Doors open at 6am.”

While there a bride and some bridesmaids walked out another door to get onto a van. I looked up and noticed that the windows on the west tower actually open. I had no idea! I assumed they were locked shut like almost every other hotel window in the state.

I can’t tell you how excited I was when I saw that door. I played it cool you know; I didn’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings knowing they weren’t going to win a million dollars.

The security guard then lets us in. We walk up another flight of stairs into a hall and around the corner to – wait for it – another daunting line! At least this has festive drag racing guide flags and loud music playing.

But nothing could take away the pain in my feet. My black suede boots are great, but apparently not built for standing still for several hours at a time.

Once we start the next cattle call line, an announcer/deejay at the other end of the room asks the crowd how we’re doing. Most of us yell back.

During the next hour I listened to Pink, 50 Cent, the Stones, Lou Bega, and the Backstreet Boys. When I got three deep away from the announcer, a man jumps on stage and asks the guy if the announcer can get us to do the wave.

“I have an announcement for you. Bob here wants us to do the wave. Go ahead Bob!”

So we did. Somewhat.

“All the way to the back Bob, good job!”

“God I need a Scotch,” said a woman behind me.

One man about 30 people in front of me was a dead ringer for Howie Mandel, earring, suit and all. Was nice in eye candy for the time being. Later I called a co-worker who also went said she had a look-alike also in her line, except that hers was a little kid.

A pretty looking casting director came onstage to give us the 411 on what was about to happen. We had 20 seconds to wow the other casting directors with our name, age, where we’re from and something you can’t tell by looking at us. Ok. Check.

“Now, what’s interesting about me,” I started to hastily think. Hmmm.

“Here’s an example of what we don’t want – Hi. My name is….um, I like the show. We know you like the show; it’s why you’re here. …um, I like the banker. Don’t do that.” Also, don’t talk about the show or what you would do with the money; it’s already on the application.

With that the music started again with – wait for it again, but what else? YMCA. Well, that quickly separated the young people with the older generation. Little kids watched full-grown adults, even parents, wave their arms in unison with strangers and actually enjoy it. They’ll understand the next time they attend a wedding.

Before I knew it, it was up to our group to go – ten of us. We walked behind the partition to seven smaller lines. Lord! It was a trick!

I could barely walk, but refused to give up. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? I was in so much pain, only $100,000 sounded good to me.

We all assembled into line 7 as instructed then the guy says move into 6. Most of us groaned since we hoped 7 would be the key to our 15 minutes of fame.

Each group that walked up to the casting tables clapped and cheered, yes, just like in high school. My group did the same.

We placed our two-page applications onto the table and started right away with our stories. I was second.

“My name is….. I’m 65 from Portola. The funniest thing I did was once I stayed out all night in the freezing cold to buy some beanie beanies.”

“Ok.”

Crap. “Hi. My name is Kellene. I’m 32 and from Reno. I met Bill Clinton and asked him about his cat and (…)” (Yes, that portion was excluded on purpose.) I didn’t look at her; I couldn’t or I’d choke up. I had only 20 seconds people!

“Ok. Good. How about you?”

“My name is …. I’m 32. Born and raised in Reno. Craziest thing I ever did was drive to Florida, stayed there eight hours and drove back.”

I don’t think I helped my situation any by dropping my jaw when I heard that.

The other six stories I couldn’t hear over the giant walk-a-thon happening behind the wall.

At the end, the girl chose the first woman and two others to stay for a second round.

I turned around saddened, especially after I saw a medium size crowd waiting for a second round to begin.

“What’s wrong with me? Why wasn’t I picked?” I started to think. (To be fair, the casting lady did say though just because they didn’t talk to you a second time doesn’t mean you weren’t picked. They were casting for the main show, a syndicated version and three other secret shows.) But that didn’t stop the whiners and easily offended from calling/texting loved ones with their woes.

To make it worse, you would hear stories of people who made it onto further rounds who said they would get called. My mother even asked me later, ‘”was it worth the four hours of your life?” I glared at her.

For fun, I did get keep track of things – for instance, the woman behind me took three cigarette breaks in line while her husband made countless text messages, five trains passed us not to mention dozens of slow curious drivers looking at us. I could have walked faster than some of the people driving by.

I learned the woman in front of me, her husband sang with the Letterman one time, she’s being married for 43 years and she thinks I’m pretty. She told me so. And no, I didn’t provoke it!

I know what you’re thinking – what would I do with the money –

·        Pay off my Mustang and some bills – they’re not very high, but still

·        Pay off my parent’s house

·        Buy my parents a condo in Park City, Utah

·        Donate to the ASPCA

·        Maybe go for a master’s degree in screenwriting

·        And I’ve been thinking lately, I’d like to buy some real nice Italian shoes

 We’ll see.